How a Narcissistic Relationship Often Begins—and Why It’s So Hard to Leave

“Most narcissistic relationships don’t begin with abuse. They begin with a dream.”

If narcissistic relationships began with insults, manipulation, and emotional abuse, very few people would stay. Instead, they often begin with what feels like the perfect romance. You meet someone who seems to understand you better than anyone ever has. They share your interests. They laugh at your jokes. They seem fascinated by everything about you. They tell you they’ve never met anyone like you.

It feels magical. It feels like destiny. Looking back, many survivors realize they weren’t falling in love with a person. They were falling in love with a carefully created image.

Stage One: Love Bombing

The relationship often begins with overwhelming attention. You receive constant texts and phone calls. Compliments never seem to end. They want to spend every available moment with you.

You may hear phrases like:

• “I’ve never felt this way before.”
• “You’re my soulmate.”
• “I’ve been waiting my whole life for someone like you.”
• “I can’t imagine my life without you.”

At first, it feels exciting. Who doesn’t want to feel deeply loved? But healthy love grows steadily. Love bombing tries to skip the process of truly getting to know someone.

Stage Two: Becoming Your Perfect Match

One of the reasons narcissistic relationships feel so convincing is that they often involve mirroring. Suddenly, the other person seems to love everything you love. They enjoy your hobbies. They agree with your opinions. They admire your dreams. It can feel as though you’ve finally met someone who truly “gets” you. Looking back, many survivors realize the relationship wasn’t built on shared interests. It was built on carefully reflecting their own interests back to them. (One of Blend’s exes told me Blend went out and bought an identical bike to hers. This type of behavior is typical.)

Stage Three: Creating Dependency

As the relationship deepens, emotional dependence often begins to form. The narcissistic partner may gradually become the center of your world. They want to be the person you call first. The person who comforts you. The person who solves your problems. At first, this can feel incredibly supportive. Eventually, however, it may become controlling. Healthy relationships encourage independence. Unhealthy relationships often discourage it.

Once the narcissist is settled in with you, the criticism and devaluation begin.

Stage Four: Devaluation

Once emotional attachment has been established, something begins to change. The compliments become criticism. Instead of praising your appearance, they begin criticizing your clothes. Instead of admiring your body, they point out your flaws. Instead of celebrating your accomplishments, they question your decisions. Your spending habits. Your intelligence. Your parenting. Even your friendships. The person who once made you feel extraordinary now makes you wonder if you’re ever good enough. Many survivors spend years trying to become the person they were told they once were. The truth is… That person never stopped existing. The relationship changed.

Stage Five: Gaslighting

As criticism increases, reality often becomes harder to trust.

You may hear things like:

  • “That never happened.”
  • “You’re imagining things.”
  • “You’re too sensitive.”
  • “You’re remembering it wrong.”

Over time, you begin questioning your own memory and judgment. Instead of trusting yourself, you begin relying on the very person who is causing the confusion. That is one reason gaslighting can be so devastating. It doesn’t simply change your perception of events. It changes your confidence in yourself.

Stage Six: The Cycle Begins Again

Just when you begin pulling away…
The person you fell in love with suddenly reappears. The compliments return. The flowers arrive. The apologies sound sincere. Promises are made. For a brief time, everything feels wonderful again. You begin to believe things have changed.

Then… The criticism returns. The manipulation resumes. The cycle starts all over.

This repeated pattern of affection followed by emotional pain creates what many professionals describe as a trauma bond. The relationship becomes increasingly difficult to leave—not because it is healthy, but because hope keeps returning just often enough to keep you emotionally invested.

Breaking the Cycle

One of the hardest truths to accept is that the wonderful person you met in the beginning may not have been the whole person. Even though you feel they were, that doesn’t mean every happy memory was fake. It means healthy relationships don’t require you to lose yourself in order to keep someone else’s love. Real love doesn’t ask you to constantly prove your worth. It doesn’t make you earn kindness. It doesn’t leave you wondering which version of your partner will come home today. Healthy love is consistent. It is respectful. It allows both people to grow without fear.

Reflection

Looking back, I’ve come to understand that manipulation rarely announces itself. It arrives dressed as affection. That’s why so many intelligent, compassionate people find themselves asking, “How did I miss the signs?” The answer is simple. You weren’t looking for someone to deceive you. You were looking for someone to love you. There is no shame in that. The lesson isn’t to stop believing in love. The lesson is to learn the difference between intensity and consistency. Because healthy love doesn’t rush to convince you. It patiently earns your trust.

Until next time… Remember… While betrayal leaves scars, love leaves a legacy.
narcissist-devaluation— Liza Seamone

The Victim Who Isn’t the Victim: When the Story Gets Rewritten

Some people wear pain as a performance rather than a path to healing. When someone consistently rewrites every story to cast themselves as the victim, it's worth looking beyond the performance and examining the pattern.

“Sometimes the loudest cry of ‘victim’ comes from the person causing the pain.”

One of the most confusing behaviors in emotionally abusive relationships is watching the person who caused the hurt convince others that they were the one who suffered the most.

People with strong narcissistic traits often struggle to accept responsibility for the damage their actions cause. Instead, they may rewrite history in a way that casts themselves as the misunderstood victim while portraying the other person as the abuser.

To those on the outside, the story can sound convincing. After all, most compassionate people naturally want to comfort someone who appears to be hurting. That is exactly what makes this pattern so effective.

Rewriting the Story

Man speaking dramatically to an audience while surrounded by theatrical masks symbolizing hidden emotions, manipulation, and the performance of victimhood.

Over the years, I’ve witnessed this behavior more than once. One of Blend’s ex’s described to me the circumstances in our relationship, where Blend completely reversed our history. According to his version of events, I was the one who lied. I was the one who cheated. I was the one who destroyed the marriage. None of it was true.

What made it especially painful wasn’t simply hearing those accusations. It was watching him use those stories to gain sympathy, particularly from new women entering his life. By presenting himself as the wounded party, he found people willing to rescue him before they ever questioned whether his version of events reflected reality.

I’ve seen similar patterns in other families as well. The details were different, but the strategy remained the same. False allegations, exaggerated fears, and carefully crafted stories were used to separate children from loving parents. Court orders were ignored, relationships were damaged, and children were often caught in the middle.

In nearly every case, the greatest victims weren’t the adults. They were the children.

Why This Happens

People who consistently portray themselves as victims often gain something from doing so.

They may receive:

  • Sympathy and emotional support.
  • Validation from friends and family.
  • Attention from new romantic partners.
  • Protection from accountability.
  • Control over how others perceive the situation.

If everyone believes they were the victim, very few people stop to ask difficult questions.

The Children Pay
the Highest Price

Perhaps the greatest tragedy occurs when children become part of the story. When one parent repeatedly tells a child that the other parent doesn’t love them, abandoned them, or is dangerous without evidence, the child is placed in an impossible position. Children should never be asked to choose between their parents. They deserve the opportunity to form their own relationships and their own opinions based on experience—not manipulation.

Unfortunately, years of emotional conditioning can permanently alter those relationships. Many children don’t discover the truth until adulthood. Sadly, some never do.

Healthy People Don’t Need to Destroy Someone Else’s Reputation

One of the greatest lessons I’ve learned is that emotionally healthy people don’t need to convince the world that they’re innocent by making someone else look guilty. They allow their character to speak for itself. When relationships end, there are usually two sides to every story. But when one person insists they were perfect and the other person was entirely to blame, it is worth paying attention. Life is rarely that simple.

Reflection

Looking back, I’ve learned that the loudest story isn’t always the truest one. When someone continually needs everyone else to see them as the victim, I no longer ask, “Who is telling the most emotional story?” Instead, I ask, “Who consistently accepts responsibility for their own actions?” That single question has helped me recognize the difference between genuine pain and carefully crafted manipulation. Because healing doesn’t begin when we win the sympathy of others. Healing begins when we have the courage to tell the truth—even when it doesn’t make us look perfect.

Until next time… Remember…While betrayal leaves scars, love leaves a legacy.
— Liza Seamone

Love Bombing: When Too Much Attention Isn’t Love

Smartphone displaying dozens of incoming text messages illustrating love bombing and excessive communication, an early warning sign of narcissistic or emotionally manipulative relationships.
Love bombing often begins with constant communication that feels flattering rather than alarming. Healthy love grows over time. Manipulation often demands your attention immediately

“Sometimes the first red flag doesn’t feel like a warning. It feels like a fairy tale.”

Looking back, I can now recognize one of the earliest warning signs I completely missed. At the time, I thought it was sweet. Today, I know it had a name:

Love Bombing . . .

After meeting Blend for the very first time one evening, I woke up the next morning—Thanksgiving Day—to discover my answering machine filled with message after message from him. He had called repeatedly throughout the early morning and evening.

• My friends and I thought it was adorable.
• “Wow,” we laughed. “He must really like you.”
• Who wouldn’t want someone to be that excited after the first meeting?
• At the time, it felt flattering.

Today, with years of hindsight and a much deeper understanding of narcissistic relationship patterns, I see it very differently.

• It wasn’t genuine intimacy.
• It was intensity.
• There is an important difference.

Healthy love develops over time. It allows two people to gradually get to know one another, building trust, respect, and emotional safety. Love bombing, however, attempts to fast-forward that process. It creates a whirlwind of attention, compliments, gifts, constant messages, and overwhelming affection before a real relationship has even had the chance to develop.

The goal isn’t always conscious manipulation. Some people genuinely become infatuated very quickly. But when love bombing is part of a larger pattern of manipulation or narcissistic behavior, it often serves a purpose: creating emotional dependency before trust has truly been earned.

Looking back, I can see what I couldn’t see then. The constant messages weren’t evidence that he knew me. He couldn’t possibly know me. We had only met once. He wasn’t falling in love with me. He was falling in love with an idea of me. Or perhaps he was trying to make sure I fell for him first.

One of the most difficult lessons I’ve learned is that intensity and intimacy are not the same thing. Someone who truly cares about you doesn’t need to overwhelm you. They don’t need to monopolize your attention. They don’t need to make you feel as though you’ve met your soulmate after a single evening.

Real love is patient. It gives you room to breathe. It allows you to ask questions. It respects boundaries. It grows steadily instead of exploding overnight.

If someone you’ve just met is showering you with excessive compliments, calling or texting constantly, talking about your future together almost immediately, or making you feel guilty for needing space, take a step back.

Ask yourself an important question:
• Is this love…or is this pressure?
• Looking back, I don’t judge the younger version of myself for missing the warning signs.
• How could I recognize healthy love when I had never truly experienced it growing up?

Many of us who were raised in homes marked by abuse, manipulation, or emotional instability mistake intensity for affection because chaos feels familiar. Healing teaches us something different. It teaches us that the healthiest relationships often begin quietly. They grow through consistency rather than urgency. Through trust rather than pressure. Through respect rather than control.

If my story helps even one person pause before rushing into a relationship that feels “too good to be true,” then sharing it has been worthwhile.

Sometimes, the greatest gift hindsight gives us is the ability to help someone else avoid the pain we didn’t see coming. Because real love doesn’t need to rush. It simply needs to be real.

Reflection

Looking back, I now recognize that what I once mistook for romance was actually one of the earliest warning signs. Healing doesn’t change the past, but it does change how we understand it. And sometimes, understanding is the first step toward freedom.

Until next time… Remember…
While betrayal leaves scars, love leaves a legacy.

— Liza Seamone

The Cost of One Person’s Choices

There are moments in life when people say, “It was just an affair.”

No. Affairs are rarely “just” affairs. Sometimes they leave behind broken marriages. Sometimes they leave behind broken children. Sometimes they leave behind generations of pain.

And sometimes… They leave behind graves. I know because my family lived it.

My sister, Carole, was only twenty-four years old when a series of choices made by others ultimately cost her life. She spent fifty days in the hospital while our community donated more than 172 pints of blood in a desperate attempt to save her. On January 18, 1968, she died from her injuries.

Carole left behind two small children who would grow up without their mother.

She left behind a little sister—me—who had finally found safety in her home after the State removed me from an abusive environment and placed me in her custody. Carole didn’t just give me a home. She gave me love. She gave me stability. She taught me that I mattered.

Then she was gone.

The affair that contributed to destroying my sister’s family did not end there. Her husband eventually married the very woman with whom he had been involved. She had left her own husband while he was serving in Vietnam, leaving behind their infant son. What began as betrayal became another marriage built on the ruins of two families.

But the marriage did not last, and the pattern didn’t stop. Over the years, there were more relationships, more affairs, and multiple marriages. Eventually, our family lost count.

Some people spend their lives chasing the excitement of the next relationship, believing happiness is always found in someone new. Whether driven by narcissistic traits, compulsive sexual behavior, or an inability to form healthy emotional attachments, the result is often the same.

The people left behind pay the highest price. Children grow up questioning their worth. Spouses spend years wondering why they weren’t enough. Families become divided. Trust becomes impossible. Love becomes confused with control, manipulation, or abandonment.

My nephew lived under the constant criticism of a father who made him believe he would never measure up. Those words became part of the story he told himself. He never married. Whether that was because of those wounds, only he can answer. But emotional abuse has a way of shaping the lives of children long after they become adults.

My niece chose a different path. She carried forward the legacy of her mother instead of the legacy of her father. She was and is kind. She is loving. She became compassionate. She proved something I have come to believe with all my heart. Our past may shape us, but it does not have to define us.

A young girl with her Vintage photograph of Carole holding her younger sister later becoming her legal guardian. The image symbolizes unconditional love, healing from childhood abuse, and the lasting legacy of a sister whose compassion changed a life forever.
My sister Carole holding me over a decade before I came to live with her. In a world filled with fear and uncertainty, she became my safe place. She taught me that while betrayal leaves scars, love leaves a legacy—and I have carried hers with me every day since.

There is another lesson hidden inside this story.

People often ask me why I write so much about narcissistic behavior, betrayal, and emotional abuse. Because I have grown up around them, and these aren’t simply personality quirks. Unchecked selfishness destroys families. Repeated betrayal changes children’s futures. Emotional abuse steals confidence for decades. And compulsive infidelity rarely hurts only two people. Its victims often include children, siblings, parents, grandchildren, and even generations yet to come.

I don’t tell this story because I want revenge. Frank has been gone for many years. He will answer only to God now. I tell this story because somewhere, someone reading these words may be living with a person whose repeated betrayals are being excused as “just the way they are.”

Please don’t dismiss the warning signs. Love should never require you to lose yourself. And children deserve to grow up believing they are enough.

My sister Carole taught me that. Her life lasted only twenty-four years. Her love has lasted a lifetime. Perhaps that is the greatest legacy any of us can leave behind.

Reflection

“People often ask why I write about narcissism, betrayal, and emotional abuse. The answer is simple. I watched one person’s selfish choices echo through generations. I also watched one extraordinary woman’s love do the same. In the end, I learned that while betrayal leaves scars, love leaves a legacy.”

Did Technology Change Narcissism, Cheating, and Sex Addiction?

What may have once been occasional cheating evolved into something much larger through:

• online chat rooms
• anonymous messaging
• secret email accounts
• phone sex lines
• hidden online communities
• fantasy role-playing
• pornography addiction
• emotional affairs
• constant validation from strangers
• and eventually entire double lives existing online

The internet removed barriers that once limited these behaviors.

Woman sitting alone at night reflecting on how technology, online chat rooms, secrecy, and digital communication contributed to narcissistic behavior, cheating, and sex addiction in modern relationships.
Technology did not create narcissism, deception, or compulsive behavior — but it gave them endless opportunity to grow in secrecy.

Suddenly there was:
• unlimited access
• complete anonymity
• endless opportunity
• instant gratification
• and constant stimulation

For someone already struggling with narcissism or compulsive behavior, the online world became an endless supply of attention, fantasy, ego reinforcement, and secrecy. And unlike previous generations, it was available twenty-four hours a day. What made it especially dangerous was how invisible much of it initially appeared.

At first, many spouses did not even understand what they were seeing.

A partner spending hours online late at night…
Secretive behavior around computers…
Sudden emotional distance…
Defensiveness over internet activity…
Hidden accounts…
Deleted browser histories…
Chat rooms…
Messaging strangers…

In the early days of the internet, many of us did not recognize these behaviors as warning signs because society itself was still learning what this new digital world was becoming. I know I did not fully understand what I was seeing at the time.

What began as “harmless online activity” slowly evolved into obsession, secrecy, manipulation, emotional withdrawal, and escalating sexual behavior.

And perhaps the most painful realization was understanding that the issue was often not really about attraction, love, intimacy, or even sex itself. It was about validation. Attention. Ego. Fantasy. Control. Escape.

For some individuals, technology created an environment where compulsive behavior could grow almost without limits. Today, entire industries profit from keeping people emotionally stimulated, sexually distracted, validation-seeking, and constantly consuming fantasy-driven interaction online.

Social media, pornography platforms, private messaging apps, anonymous chat forums, dating apps, and secret communication tools have made it easier than ever for people to live fragmented emotional lives while hiding large portions of themselves from their partners. At the same time, technology has also helped many victims finally recognize patterns they once could not explain. People now share experiences openly. Information is more accessible.

Terms like gaslighting, narcissistic abuse, compulsive sexual behavior, love bombing, and trauma bonding are now widely discussed in ways they never were decades ago.

So while technology may have intensified many destructive behaviors, it has also helped many survivors finally understand what they were living through. I sometimes wonder how many people from earlier generations suffered silently without ever having language for what they were experiencing.

Perhaps what changed most is not simply human behavior itself…but access.
Access to temptation.
Access to secrecy.
Access to validation.
Access to fantasy.
And finally, access to understanding.

Reflection

Looking back now, I can clearly see how technology became the accelerant that turned unhealthy behavior into something far more consuming and destructive. What may have once required effort, secrecy, and opportunity suddenly became available twenty-four hours a day through chat rooms, hidden online identities, secret messaging, pornography, and endless streams of validation from strangers.

At the time, I did not fully understand what I was witnessing. I only knew that something was changing. The emotional distance grew wider. The secrecy intensified. The defensiveness increased. The online world slowly became more important than real connection, honesty, or intimacy.

Over time, I began realizing that much of what I experienced was not isolated behavior, but part of a much larger pattern involving narcissism, compulsive validation-seeking, emotional manipulation, and sexual addiction that technology had made easier to feed and conceal.

The stories I share throughout this blog will make those patterns abundantly clear.

Many people living through these situations sense something is wrong long before they can explain it. Unfortunately, by the time the full truth becomes visible, years of emotional damage, confusion, and self-doubt have often already taken root. One of the most painful realizations is understanding that technology did not create these personality traits or addictions — it simply gave them endless opportunity to grow in secrecy. And for many partners, the damage unfolded quietly, one hidden message, one deleted conversation, one late-night chat room, and one lie at a time.

Sometimes the most dangerous changes in a relationship happen slowly enough that we do not recognize how far away from ourselves we have drifted.

With understanding,
Liza Seamone
Author | Survivor

The Message I Had Been Waiting Years For

A phone displaying a late-night message on a bedside table in a dark bedroom.

One of the most unexpected—and strangely healing—moments of my life happened late one night.

It was April 7, 2016, around 11:50 PM. I was sitting in bed watching late-night television. My husband was asleep beside me, and the house was quiet.

Suddenly, my phone chimed. A message had come through Facebook Messenger. When I looked down and saw who it was from, my heart stopped for a moment. It was from Blend’s girlfriend.

They had been together for about three years at that point. My children had met her and told me she was a nurse with a master’s degree. They liked her a lot. Over those years, I often found myself wondering about her. How could she not see the signs? Or worse—had she somehow changed for him? That question haunted me more than I like to admit. It made me question myself. Had I been the problem? Had I somehow caused the behavior I lived with for so many years?

So when I saw her name appear on my phone that night, my first thought was simple: Finally. Finally, the day had come.

The Message

Her message was short and respectful. She wrote something like this:

“I understand if you don’t want to talk to me, but Blend and I have been together almost three years. Our relationship is good, then bad, then good again—over and over. I’m looking for some guidance. If you’re willing to talk, I’d really appreciate it.”

I could hardly breathe for the excitement. For years, I had waited for this moment—not because I wanted revenge, but because I needed confirmation that what I had experienced was real. I needed to know it wasn’t just me.

I replied simply:

“All I ask is that we treat each other with mutual respect and never say anything disrespectful about one another. If you’re willing to do that, I’m happy to talk.”

She responded immediately. “Of course. But how did you know I would reach out?”

My answer came easily. “I was married to him for 24 years. I actually expected you might reach out sooner.”

The Truth Begins to Surface

She explained that she had seen some troubling behavior but kept hoping things would improve. Sometimes he was incredibly kind and attentive. Other times, he was jealous, insecure, or cruel. The cycle repeated itself again and again. Good. Bad. Apologies. Promises. Then back to good again.

Anyone who has lived with narcissistic behavior recognizes that pattern immediately.

She told me she had encouraged him to see a therapist because his behavior felt immature and unstable. According to her, he insisted the therapist, and she was “trying to make him the bad guy.” Oh, how familiar.

The Conversation That Changed Everything

Our messages turned into a phone call that lasted deep into the night and early AM. For the first time, two women who had lived through the same person’s manipulation were able to compare experiences openly.

The stories matched almost perfectly.

The jealousy.
The insecurity.
The constant accusations.
The emotional manipulation.

She also told me something that caused me concern. During one argument, he physically assaulted her, smashing her face and ultimately leading to his arrest. Despite everything, she had already broken up with him and taken him back multiple times. When I finally asked her the question that had been on my mind all night, I asked it gently:

“Why do you stay?”

The Hard Truth Many Victims Share

The answer was one I had heard before—and one I had lived myself. She believed she could fix him.

Many people who fall into relationships with narcissistic personalities share a common trait: they are empathetic, nurturing, and compassionate. Those are beautiful qualities. Unfortunately, they are also qualities narcissistic personalities often exploit. Victims believe that if they just love harder, help more, or understand better, the person will eventually change. But narcissistic behavior is not something another person can fix.

What Happened Next

Beverly and I became friends that night. Two women who had once been unknowingly connected by the same person found something unexpected: understanding. Sadly, she remained in the relationship for several more years. In total, she spent nearly nine years caught in the same painful cycle. Leaving someone like that is rarely a single moment. It’s usually a process.

What I Learned From That Night

That message gave me something I had needed for a long time. Confirmation!

Confirmation that the behavior I experienced was real.
Confirmation that it wasn’t something I caused.
Confirmation that the pattern continued long after I left.

But it also gave me something else. A friend.

Beverly and I remain close today, bonded by an experience that neither of us would have chosen—but one that ultimately helped us understand that we were never alone.

Reflection

Sometimes the validation we search for doesn’t come from the person who hurt us. It comes from someone who unknowingly walked the same path. For years, I questioned myself. I wondered if I had somehow caused the chaos, the anger, the lies, or the betrayals. That doubt can linger long after a relationship ends.

That late-night message gave me something I didn’t realize I still needed—confirmation that the patterns I lived through were real and not of my making. But it also revealed something deeper. Many victims of narcissistic or manipulative partners share the same qualities: empathy, patience, and the belief that people can change. Those qualities are strengths, not weaknesses. Unfortunately, they are often the very traits that manipulators exploit.

In the end, Beverly and I discovered something powerful that night:

We were never enemies. We were two people who had survived the same storm.

And sometimes healing begins when the truth is finally spoken out loud.

Sometimes the truth we spend years searching for

arrives in the quietest moments—

often from someone who walked the same painful road.

Guilt or No Guilt

A woman looking in a mirror for answers

Recently, Blend contacted me to remove my blog—this one, under a previous name. I have always sworn to myself and my friends that I will never pull it down. So I simply renamed it. Often, things happen for a reason. This new title is actually more likely to be found, with the right search words, for the problem you are having.

Blend could not handle reading about himself, what he did to me, and what he did to destroy a family. His family and my family = our children.

He sent multiple emails and texts and cried, telling stories of how my blog is a twisted truth. He’s right, it is—twisted, that is. He is twisted, and the poor soul will never be straightened out until he gets the help he needs.

Rarely do I think of Blend anymore. He is a part of my past that I do not cherish. He’s developed a part of me that will forever remain different. It’s not a good part, and I stay as clear from it as I possibly can. It’s important to me that I don’t let my experiences with him hurt others or their relationship with me. I can’t fathom the thought that he would linger that way in my life. I prefer to always consider him far gone.

When he makes contact and sends me and friends messages about me in an effort to hurt me, that’s when I do think of him. He must have such a huge sense of guilt; he cannot let go. It must be horrible to think that for at least 18 years, you had a problem that your spouse and friends tried to get you to accept getting help for, and you refused. A mother who harbored his illness and sometimes even fed it, and a closet so dark that not even he could see beyond it. I visualize him still sitting at his computer on a regular basis. Seeking women of all shapes, sizes, and, yes…unfortunately, ages. Quickly developing an online relationship with them and masturbating to their words and photos nightly. When I was away, the hours he spent on chat calls and long-distance calls to women as desperate as he, and eventually meetings with like women or unsuspecting women who have no idea—he’s only in it for the thrill of the chase.

But then I realize there is no more thrill for him. There is no longer an innocent wife in the background with the opportunity to “catch” him at what he is doing. No heart-pounding adrenaline rushes at my expense. So what is he doing now? I suspect he is searching for another faithful victim like me. An innocent who will not learn until years later that he has a pattern. God help those who continue to fall victim to him, whether it’s the one in the foreground or hidden somewhere in his car door, his wallet, his phone, his computer, or his memory . . . You too will find him guilty.

Navigating the Challenges of Narcissism and Sex Addiction in Families

Families disturbed by the crisis they are going through, with parents constantly in turmoil as a result of a narcissist in the family.

On October 18, 2012, I received an email from my X, upset over my blog. His message threatened to send the four people he loves most to view it. His mother, two daughters, and I have no idea who the fourth is. I am sure what Blend wanted was for me to pull the site down altogether, but thankfully, I made a different choice and put passwords on the articles and took time to think.

If directing his children, or anyone else, is what he deems necessary, then that is his choice—but I will NEVER take this site down. This site is not about him. Another trait of a sex addict is that it’s always all about them. Such as the two people over in the corner whispering…it’s about him, or when entering the parent meeting, if the other dads don’t speak to him, they don’t like him. — Never a thought that Dad could be having an off day…and whatever happened to you speaking first? — doubtful just because the couple whispering looked up, so they were looking at or talking about you.

Someday, our daughters will be fully aware of the liar and cheater that Blend is. This site or anything I could say will not make a difference. He started laying out that lesson years ago. They are smart young ladies and figure it out over time. He does and acts out enough; they are well aware of who and what he is. That will never take away from the fact that he is their dad. I would not expect nor wish for them to turn their backs on him for his illness. As I repeat this many times, narcissism and sex addiction are illnesses. Those afflicted with it should be looked upon as any other addict. With sorrow, understanding it’s an illness, and compassion for the lack of dignity and strength a sex addict has. They cannot help him, I could not help him, and no one can help him. An addict will never recover until they admit, face, and take action to recover. Things Blend has never been able to do.

As far as his mother reading this—she should. Even then, the apple does not fall far from the tree. He is like her. She has aided and abetted his illness for many years. When I went to her with his illness, at first she was concerned and called me regularly to see how he was doing. But when I finally chose to leave, she chose to turn her back on me. In essence, she turned her back on him as well. He will never stop what he does. He may alter the pattern, but until he gets professional help, he will continue.

And Mom—if your son, daughter, son-in-law, or daughter-in-law has sent you here to read this blog, they are concerned about a family member. I implore you to read with great intent. Feel the words, understand, and realize the pain. Help them to get the help for the individual they are concerned for….it cannot be done alone, and it will not go away by miracle on its own.

_______________________________________________________________________________________

Reflection

One of the most difficult moments for someone who has lived through deception and addiction is the pressure to stay silent. When the truth finally begins to surface, it can make others uncomfortable. Sometimes the person responsible for the damage will attempt to shift the focus, portray themselves as the victim, or pressure you to stop speaking about your experience.

But telling the truth about what you lived through is not an act of cruelty—it is an act of clarity.

For many people who have endured similar relationships, speaking openly becomes part of healing. It helps restore perspective after years of confusion, manipulation, and self-doubt. It also allows others who may be experiencing the same patterns to recognize that they are not alone.

Addiction and destructive behavior cannot be hidden forever, and silence does not heal families. Real healing begins only when the truth is acknowledged, and those affected are allowed to speak honestly about what they experienced.

Sometimes the most powerful step forward is simply refusing to pretend that nothing happened.

Signals of Deceit

Man in a dark room texting in secrecy, so his wife can not see what he is doing.

When a Partner Pushes You to Take Everyone With You: A Subtle Sign Something May Be Wrong

 

When you say you’re running errands or heading out for a walk, does your partner repeatedly suggest you take everyone in the house with you? At first, it can sound thoughtful or harmless. A simple suggestion: “Take the kids so they can get out of the house.” Or “Maybe Jane wants to go with you.”

But when it happens over and over again, it may not be about helping you. Sometimes it’s about making sure the house is empty. Over time, I learned to pay attention to this pattern.

When Someone Wants the House for Themselves

I could usually tell when Blend wanted the house completely to himself. Those were often the times he wanted privacy to get on the computer or phone and interact with other women through photos, conversations, chats, or whatever outlet he had at the time.

This past weekend, it happened again. More than once, when I mentioned running errands or going out for my neighborhood power walk, he suggested I take the girls with me. Through the years, sometimes the behavior was subtle and sometimes obvious. But it was always there. Before cell phones became common, the pattern was even easier to spot.

The Phone Line Clue

I have always had a home office. Years ago, that meant multiple phone lines—one of them dedicated to a fax machine. Before that second line existed, I would occasionally leave the house, stop at a pay phone, and call home. Strangely, the line was often busy, even though Blend rarely used the phone. The calls were always blocked or placed through calling cards, so there was no obvious record of them. At the time, detailed phone billing cost extra, and it wasn’t something I had thought to request.

Later, I learned the truth.

Eventually, I spoke with one of the women he had been calling. She told me the number he had given her to reach him. It was my fax line. He would unplug the fax machine, plug in a phone, and have the woman call him there. In his mind, this made the activity harder to detect. Before I returned home, he would simply reconnect the fax machine.

After learning this, I started checking the fax line whenever I left the house. If it was busy, I already knew why. There was no reason to ask him. The answer would always be denial.

Why Some Cheaters Never Leave

It can be difficult to understand why someone would go through this much effort just to hide cheating or sexual conversations. In many situations, the answer seems simple: they could ask for a divorce and live however they want.

But many people who live double lives do not want to leave their primary relationship. The stable partner represents normalcy. That relationship allows them to maintain the appearance of a conventional life.

In many ways, the faithful partner becomes the anchor that lets them continue their behavior while still appearing “normal” to the outside world.

Subtle Phrases to Pay Attention To

If you mention leaving the house, notice whether your partner frequently responds with suggestions like:

  • “Take Jane if you want company.”

  • “John might want to go.”

  • “Did you ask the kids if they want to go?”

  • “You’re taking the kids, right?”

  • “I’m going to be busy, so take them with you.”

  • “I’m not feeling well—take the kids.”

Individually, these comments can seem harmless. But when the pattern repeats again and again, it may be worth paying attention.

Ask yourself: Does my partner seem unusually invested in making sure I never leave the house alone?

The Two Motivations Behind This Behavior

In my experience, this behavior often has two underlying motivations.

First, they may be planning something that requires privacy—phone calls, online conversations, or other secret activity.

Second, many cheaters are deeply suspicious of their partners. Because they are capable of betrayal, they assume you may be as well. Ironically, the same person who wants the freedom to cheat may also try to limit your independence out of jealousy or fear.

When these patterns repeat, it’s worth paying attention.

Sometimes the smallest behaviors reveal the biggest truths.

 With awareness and strength,
Liza Seamone
Recovering Survivor / Author

 

Navigating a Weekend with Bipolar Challenges

The storms we encounter when dealing with a bipolar, narcissistic person.

A Weekend With Bipolar Chaos

It was a stressful weekend.

If you read my previous post, you know Blend had called a “family meeting” the night before. At the end of it he made a statement that stuck with me: “Let’s see how things change.”

Things did change. Just not in a good way.

The next day, his bipolar behavior escalated dramatically.

The children had Eucharistic Minister duty at their school from noon until 4 p.m. I woke early that morning and finished a movie I had started the night before. In between scenes, I moved in and out of the kitchen, making breakfast for the kids and ironing their clothes before they left.

Blend had already gone out and did not return until after 10:30 that morning. When he walked in, he asked what was going on in the house.

I reminded him that the kids had a church duty at school that day.

He apologized and said he had forgotten. But the tone suggested something else—almost as if he were trying to imply this was yet another activity he had somehow been excluded from. (Which I later discovered he met a “girlfriend” and walked on the beach with her that morning. Later I found emails she was falling in love with him.) When that angle didn’t work, the mood shifted.

The attitude arrived.

Living with someone who is sex-addicted, bipolar, and paranoid can feel like living with a volatile child. Once the tone changes, you know the rest of the day may follow.

That morning, I could already sense the tension building.

When the House Became Unsettling

After the children left for their school duty, I sat down again to finish the movie.

Almost immediately, Blend came downstairs.

He began moving around the house in a restless, hyper way—opening cabinets, clattering dishes, and making unnecessary noise. It felt deliberate, as though the goal was simply to interrupt the quiet.

He often talked out loud to himself in a low mumbling voice. It was unsettling to listen to, sometimes even frightening.

In the kitchen, he began banging around pots and pans behind me. I turned the television volume up and tried to ignore it so I could finish the program.

Meanwhile, he bounced from room to room—on the computer, singing loudly, whistling, and pacing the house.

Singing might not sound strange on its own, but this wasn’t joyful singing. It was loud, erratic, and completely off-key. The whistling was even stranger—sharp bursts of noise with no rhythm or tune.

At one point, he walked into the living room and tried to start an argument. I wasn’t willing to engage and simply waved him away.

He didn’t take that well.

He called me a few names and told me that “alienating him from the kids” would come back to haunt me and that I would go to hell. That was the spiritual side of him talking.

After that, the hyperactivity escalated. The loud whistling and pacing continued.

I suspected he had been drinking. He sometimes bought cheap alcohol and kept it in his room, supposedly to “drown his sorrows,” though it always felt more like self-pity.

Something was clearly going on because he seemed completely unable to be still.

Choosing Safety Over Confrontation

At one point, he offered to wash the laundry if I separated the clothes.

I needed to get back to my bookkeeping work for tax returns, so I appreciated the offer.

I went into my room to take a shower and get dressed. But as his behavior continued to escalate, I began to feel uneasy.

Eventually, I locked my bedroom door and stayed there for the rest of the afternoon.

I had originally planned to visit a cousin that day, but the plans were canceled. Given the atmosphere in the house, isolating myself felt like the safest choice.

Sometimes, avoiding confrontation is simply the most peaceful option available.

I stayed in my room from around noon until about 4:30, coming out only briefly to grab something to eat. Even lunch became strange—I made a plate and carried it back to my room just to avoid being downstairs.

Meanwhile, the house echoed with loud television, singing, and that sharp, irregular whistling.

At one point, I realized I had turned my own television volume up just so I could think over the noise.

It was a ridiculous way to live.

When the Children Came Home

The children returned home around 4:30 that afternoon.

Almost immediately, they came into my room and climbed onto the bed with me. We spent the evening watching movies, laughing, talking, and simply enjoying one another’s company.

It felt as though they instinctively knew I had endured a difficult day.

For a while, the house felt calm again.

I took a break to make dinner, and Blend continued moving between his room and the laundry area. The children noticed the strange whistling coming from downstairs and even commented on how odd it sounded.

That was the only thing said about it.

The moment the kids arrived home, Blend had gone upstairs and locked himself in his room. You could hear the lock click.

Ironically, during his “family meeting” the night before, the children had complained about this exact behavior—his habit of isolating himself in his room.

Now he seemed to be exaggerating it.

It felt almost like a childish response: “You think I lock myself away? I’ll show you what locking myself away really looks like.”

Dinner Without Him

When dinner was ready, I knocked on his door to let him know.

He didn’t come down.

Eventually, the children and I sat at the table together. We talked and laughed for quite a while.

He came into the kitchen three separate times but never sat down with us.

The first time he told me not to make him a plate—he would do it himself.

He never did.

We stayed at the table, enjoying the quiet moment together.

Eventually, I left the food on the stove. Later, he came down and ate alone.

After a period of time, the children and I returned to my room, where we spent the rest of the evening watching television, working on our laptops, laughing, and simply being together.

A Small Comfort

That night, as I fell asleep, one thought gave me comfort.

The children had instincts.

They sensed things adults sometimes pretend not to see. And that intuition—especially in an unpredictable household—is a powerful thing.

I realized then that their ability to read the room, to feel when something wasn’t right, might one day help protect them.

And that, at least, was something good.

Reflections: Looking Back

Looking back now, a few things about that day stand out clearly:

  • Sudden mood shifts often set the emotional tone for the entire household.
  • When behavior becomes chaotic or unpredictable, creating distance can sometimes be the safest response.
  • Children often sense tension and instability long before adults acknowledge it.