The Message I Had Been Waiting Years For
One of the most unexpected—and strangely healing—moments of my life happened late one night.
It was April 7, 2016, around 11:50 PM. I was sitting in bed watching late-night television. My husband was asleep beside me, and the house was quiet.
Suddenly, my phone chimed. A message had come through Facebook Messenger. When I looked down and saw who it was from, my heart stopped for a moment. It was from Blend’s girlfriend.
They had been together for about three years at that point. My children had met her and told me she was a nurse with a master’s degree. They liked her a lot. Over those years, I often found myself wondering about her. How could she not see the signs? Or worse—had he somehow changed for her? That question haunted me more than I like to admit. It made me question myself. Had I been the problem? Had I somehow caused the behavior I lived with for so many years?
So when I saw her name appear on my phone that night, my first thought was simple: Finally. Finally, the day had come.
The Message
Her message was short and respectful. She wrote something like this:
“I understand if you don’t want to talk to me, but Blend and I have been together almost three years. Our relationship is good, then bad, then good again—over and over. I’m looking for some guidance. If you’re willing to talk, I’d really appreciate it.”
I could hardly breathe for the excitement. For years, I had waited for this moment—not because I wanted revenge, but because I needed confirmation that what I had experienced was real. I needed to know it wasn’t just me.
I replied simply:
“All I ask is that we treat each other with mutual respect and never say anything disrespectful about one another. If you’re willing to do that, I’m happy to talk.”
She responded immediately. “Of course. But how did you know I would reach out?”
My answer came easily. “I was married to him for 24 years. I actually expected you might reach out sooner.”
The Truth Begins to Surface
She explained that she had seen some troubling behavior but kept hoping things would improve. Sometimes he was incredibly kind and attentive. Other times, he was jealous, insecure, or cruel. The cycle repeated itself again and again. Good. Bad. Apologies. Promises. Then back to good again.
Anyone who has lived with narcissistic behavior recognizes that pattern immediately.
She told me she had encouraged him to see a therapist because his behavior felt immature and unstable. According to her, he insisted the therapist, and she was “trying to make him the bad guy.” Oh, how familiar.
The Conversation That Changed Everything
Our messages turned into a phone call that lasted deep into the night and early AM. For the first time, two women who had lived through the same person’s manipulation were able to compare experiences openly.
The stories matched almost perfectly.
The jealousy.
The insecurity.
The constant accusations.
The emotional manipulation.
She also told me something that caused me concern. During one argument, he physically assaulted her, smashing her face and ultimately leading to his arrest. Despite everything, she had already broken up with him and taken him back multiple times. When I finally asked her the question that had been on my mind all night, I asked it gently:
“Why do you stay?”
The Hard Truth Many Victims Share
The answer was one I had heard before—and one I had lived myself. She believed she could fix him.
Many people who fall into relationships with narcissistic personalities share a common trait: they are empathetic, nurturing, and compassionate. Those are beautiful qualities. Unfortunately, they are also qualities narcissistic personalities often exploit. Victims believe that if they just love harder, help more, or understand better, the person will eventually change. But narcissistic behavior is not something another person can fix.
What Happened Next
Beverly and I became friends that night. Two women who had once been unknowingly connected by the same person found something unexpected: understanding. Sadly, she remained in the relationship for several more years. In total, she spent nearly nine years caught in the same painful cycle. Leaving someone like that is rarely a single moment. It’s usually a process.
What I Learned From That Night
That message gave me something I had needed for a long time. Confirmation!
Confirmation that the behavior I experienced was real.
Confirmation that it wasn’t something I caused.
Confirmation that the pattern continued long after I left.
But it also gave me something else. A friend.
Beverly and I remain close today, bonded by an experience that neither of us would have chosen—but one that ultimately helped us understand that we were never alone.
Reflection
Sometimes the validation we search for doesn’t come from the person who hurt us. It comes from someone who unknowingly walked the same path. For years, I questioned myself. I wondered if I had somehow caused the chaos, the anger, the lies, or the betrayals. That doubt can linger long after a relationship ends.
That late-night message gave me something I didn’t realize I still needed—confirmation that the patterns I lived through were real and not of my making. But it also revealed something deeper. Many victims of narcissistic or manipulative partners share the same qualities: empathy, patience, and the belief that people can change. Those qualities are strengths, not weaknesses. Unfortunately, they are often the very traits that manipulators exploit.
In the end, Beverly and I discovered something powerful that night:
We were never enemies. We were two people who had survived the same storm.
And sometimes healing begins when the truth is finally spoken out loud.
Sometimes the truth we spend years searching for
arrives in the quietest moments—
often from someone who walked the same painful road.
Guilt or No Guilt
Recently, Blend contacted me to remove my blog—this one, under a previous name. I have always sworn to myself, my friends, and my God that I would never pull it down. So I simply renamed it. Often, things happen for a reason. This new title is actually more likely to be found, with the right search words, for the problem you are having.
Blend could not handle reading about himself, what he did to me, and what he did to destroy a family. His family and my family = our children.
He sent multiple emails and texts and cried, telling stories of how my blog is a twisted truth. He’s right, it is—twisted, that is. He is twisted, and the poor soul will never be straightened out until he gets the help he needs.
Rarely do I think of Blend anymore. He is a part of my past that I do not have cherished memories of. He’s developed a part of me that will forever remain different. It’s not a good part, and I stay as clear from it as I possibly can. It’s important to me that I don’t let my experiences with him hurt others or their relationship with me. I can’t fathom the thought that he would linger that way in my life. I prefer to always consider him far gone.
When he makes contact and sends me and friends messages about me in an effort to hurt me, that’s when I do think of him. He must have such a huge sense of guilt; he cannot let go. It must be horrible to think that for at least 18 years, you had a problem that your spouse and friends tried to get you to accept getting help for, and you refused. A mother who harbored his illness and sometimes even fed it, and a closet so dark that not even he can see beyond it. I visualize him still sitting at his computer on a regular basis. Seeking women of all shapes, sizes, and yes…unfortunately, ages. Quickly developing an online relationship with them and masturbating to their words and photos nightly. When I was away, the hours he spent on chat calls and long-distance calls to women as desperate as he, and eventually meetings with like women or unsuspecting women who have no idea—he’s only in it for the thrill of the chase.
But then I realize, there is no more thrill for him. There is no longer an innocent wife in the background with the opportunity to “catch” him at what he is doing. No heart pounding, adrenaline rushes at my expense. So what is he doing now? I suspect he is searching for another faithful victim like me. An innocent who will not learn until years later that he has a pattern. God help those who continue to fall victim to him, whether it’s the one in the foreground or hidden somewhere in his car door, his wallet, his phone, his computer, his memory . . . you too will find him guilty.
Navigating the Challenges of Sex Addiction in Families
On October 18, 2012, I received an email from my X, upset over my blog. His message threatened to send the four people he loves most to view it. His mother, two daughters, and I have no idea who the fourth is. I am sure what Blend wanted was for me to pull the site down altogether, but thankfully, I made a different choice and put passwords on the articles and took time to think.
If directing his children, or anyone else, is what he deems necessary, then that is his choice—but I will NEVER take this site down. This site is not about him. Another trait of a sex addict—it’s always all about them. Such as: The two people over in the corner whispering…it’s about him, or When entering the parent meeting, if the other dads don’t speak to him, they don’t like him. — Never a thought that Dad could be having an off day…and whatever happened to you speaking first? — doubtful just because the couple whispering looked up that they were looking at or talking about you.
Someday, our daughters will be fully aware of the liar and cheater that Blend is. This site or anything I could say will not make a difference. He started laying out that lesson years ago. They are smart young ladies and figure it out over time. He does and acts out enough—they are well aware of who and what he is. That will never take away from the fact that he is their dad. I would not expect nor wish for them to turn their backs on him for his illness. As I repeat this many times, sex addiction is an illness. Those afflicted with it should be looked upon as any other addict. With sorrow, understanding it’s an illness, and compassion for the lack of dignity and strength a sex addict has. They cannot help him, I could not help him, and no one can help him. An addict will never recover until they admit, face, and take action to recover. Things Blend has never been able to do.
As far as his mother reading this—she should. Even then, the apple does not fall far from the tree. He is like her. She has aided and abetted his illness for many years. When I went to her with his illness, she chose to turn her back on me. In essence, she turned her back on him as well. He will never stop what he does. He may alter the pattern, but until he gets professional help, he will continue.
And Mom—if your son, daughter, son-in-law, or daughter-in-law has sent you here to read this blog because they are concerned about a family member. I implore you to read with great intent. Feel the words, understand, and realize the pain. Help them to get the help for the individual they are concerned for….it cannot be done alone, and it will not go away by miracle on its own.
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Reflection
One of the most difficult moments for someone who has lived through deception and addiction is the pressure to stay silent. When the truth finally begins to surface, it can make others uncomfortable. Sometimes the person responsible for the damage will attempt to shift the focus, portray themselves as the victim, or pressure you to stop speaking about your experience.
But telling the truth about what you lived through is not an act of cruelty—it is an act of clarity.
For many people who have endured similar relationships, speaking openly becomes part of healing. It helps restore perspective after years of confusion, manipulation, and self-doubt. It also allows others who may be experiencing the same patterns to recognize that they are not alone.
Addiction and destructive behavior cannot be hidden forever, and silence does not heal families. Real healing begins only when the truth is acknowledged, and those affected are allowed to speak honestly about what they experienced.
Sometimes the most powerful step forward is simply refusing to pretend that nothing happened.
Signals of Deceit
When a Partner Pushes You to Take Everyone With You: A Subtle Sign Something May Be Wrong
When you say you’re running errands or heading out for a walk, does your partner repeatedly suggest you take everyone in the house with you? At first, it can sound thoughtful or harmless. A simple suggestion: “Take the kids so they can get out of the house.” Or “Maybe Jane wants to go with you.”
But when it happens over and over again, it may not be about helping you. Sometimes it’s about making sure the house is empty. Over time, I learned to pay attention to this pattern.
When Someone Wants the House for Themselves
I could usually tell when Blend wanted the house completely to himself. Those were often the times he wanted privacy to get on the computer or phone and interact with other women through photos, conversations, chats, or whatever outlet he had at the time.
This past weekend, it happened again. More than once, when I mentioned running errands or going out for my neighborhood power walk, he suggested I take the girls with me. Through the years, sometimes the behavior was subtle and sometimes obvious. But it was always there. Before cell phones became common, the pattern was even easier to spot.
The Phone Line Clue
I have always had a home office. Years ago, that meant multiple phone lines—one of them dedicated to a fax machine. Before that second line existed, I would occasionally leave the house, stop at a pay phone, and call home. Strangely, the line was often busy, even though Blend rarely used the phone. The calls were always blocked or placed through calling cards, so there was no obvious record of them. At the time, detailed phone billing cost extra, and it wasn’t something I had thought to request.
Later, I learned the truth.
Eventually, I spoke with one of the women he had been calling. She told me the number he had given her to reach him. It was my fax line. He would unplug the fax machine, plug in a phone, and have the woman call him there. In his mind, this made the activity harder to detect. Before I returned home, he would simply reconnect the fax machine.
After learning this, I started checking the fax line whenever I left the house. If it was busy, I already knew why. There was no reason to ask him. The answer would always be denial.
Why Some Cheaters Never Leave
It can be difficult to understand why someone would go through this much effort just to hide cheating or sexual conversations. In many situations, the answer seems simple: they could ask for a divorce and live however they want.
But many people who live double lives do not want to leave their primary relationship. The stable partner represents normalcy. That relationship allows them to maintain the appearance of a conventional life.
In many ways, the faithful partner becomes the anchor that lets them continue their behavior while still appearing “normal” to the outside world.
Subtle Phrases to Pay Attention To
If you mention leaving the house, notice whether your partner frequently responds with suggestions like:
“Take Jane if you want company.”
“John might want to go.”
“Did you ask the kids if they want to go?”
“You’re taking the kids, right?”
“I’m going to be busy, so take them with you.”
“I’m not feeling well—take the kids.”
Individually, these comments can seem harmless. But when the pattern repeats again and again, it may be worth paying attention.
Ask yourself: Does my partner seem unusually invested in making sure I never leave the house alone?
The Two Motivations Behind This Behavior
In my experience, this behavior often has two underlying motivations.
First, they may be planning something that requires privacy—phone calls, online conversations, or other secret activity.
Second, many cheaters are deeply suspicious of their partners. Because they are capable of betrayal, they assume you may be as well. Ironically, the same person who wants the freedom to cheat may also try to limit your independence out of jealousy or fear.
When these patterns repeat, it’s worth paying attention.
Sometimes the smallest behaviors reveal the biggest truths.
With awareness and strength,
Liza Seamone
Recovering Survivor / Author
Navigating a Weekend with Bipolar Challenges
A Weekend With Bipolar Chaos
It was a stressful weekend.
If you read my previous post, you know Blend had called a “family meeting” the night before. At the end of it he made a statement that stuck with me: “Let’s see how things change.”
Things did change. Just not in a good way.
The next day, his bipolar behavior escalated dramatically.
The children had Eucharistic Minister duty at their school from noon until 4 p.m. I woke early that morning and finished a movie I had started the night before. In between scenes, I moved in and out of the kitchen, making breakfast for the kids and ironing their clothes before they left.
Blend had already gone out and did not return until after 10:30 that morning. When he walked in, he asked what was going on in the house.
I reminded him that the kids had a church duty at school that day.
He apologized and said he had forgotten. But the tone suggested something else—almost as if he were trying to imply this was yet another activity he had somehow been excluded from. When that angle didn’t work, the mood shifted.
The attitude arrived.
Living with someone who is sex-addicted, bipolar, and paranoid can feel like living with a volatile child. Once the tone changes, you know the rest of the day may follow.
That morning, I could already sense the tension building.
When the House Became Unsettling
After the children left for their school duty, I sat down again to finish the movie.
Almost immediately, Blend came downstairs.
He began moving around the house in a restless, hyper way—opening cabinets, clattering dishes, and making unnecessary noise. It felt deliberate, as though the goal was simply to interrupt the quiet.
He often talked out loud to himself in a low mumbling voice. It was unsettling to listen to, sometimes even frightening.
In the kitchen, he began banging around pots and pans behind me. I turned the television volume up and tried to ignore it so I could finish the program.
Meanwhile, he bounced from room to room—on the computer, singing loudly, whistling, and pacing the house.
Singing might not sound strange on its own, but this wasn’t joyful singing. It was loud, erratic, and completely off-key. The whistling was even stranger—sharp bursts of noise with no rhythm or tune.
At one point, he walked into the living room and tried to start an argument. I wasn’t willing to engage and simply waved him away.
He didn’t take that well.
He called me a few names and told me that “alienating him from the kids” would come back to haunt me and that I would go to hell. That was the spiritual side of him talking.
After that, the hyperactivity escalated. The loud whistling and pacing continued.
I suspected he had been drinking. He sometimes bought cheap alcohol and kept it in his room, supposedly to “drown his sorrows,” though it always felt more like self-pity.
Something was clearly going on because he seemed completely unable to be still.
Choosing Safety Over Confrontation
At one point, he offered to wash the laundry if I separated the clothes.
I needed to get back to my bookkeeping work for tax returns, so I appreciated the offer.
I went into my room to take a shower and get dressed. But as his behavior continued to escalate, I began to feel uneasy.
Eventually, I locked my bedroom door and stayed there for the rest of the afternoon.
I had originally planned to visit a cousin that day, but the plans were canceled. Given the atmosphere in the house, isolating myself felt like the safest choice.
Sometimes, avoiding confrontation is simply the most peaceful option available.
I stayed in my room from around noon until about 4:30, coming out only briefly to grab something to eat. Even lunch became strange—I made a plate and carried it back to my room just to avoid being downstairs.
Meanwhile, the house echoed with loud television, singing, and that sharp, irregular whistling.
At one point, I realized I had turned my own television volume up just so I could think over the noise.
It was a ridiculous way to live.
When the Children Came Home
The children returned home around 4:30 that afternoon.
Almost immediately, they came into my room and climbed onto the bed with me. We spent the evening watching movies, laughing, talking, and simply enjoying one another’s company.
It felt as though they instinctively knew I had endured a difficult day.
For a while, the house felt calm again.
I took a break to make dinner, and Blend continued moving between his room and the laundry area. The children noticed the strange whistling coming from downstairs and even commented on how odd it sounded.
That was the only thing said about it.
The moment the kids arrived home, Blend had gone upstairs and locked himself in his room. You could hear the lock click.
Ironically, during his “family meeting” the night before, the children had complained about this exact behavior—his habit of isolating himself in his room.
Now he seemed to be exaggerating it.
It felt almost like a childish response: “You think I lock myself away? I’ll show you what locking myself away really looks like.”
Dinner Without Him
When dinner was ready, I knocked on his door to let him know.
He didn’t come down.
Eventually, the children and I sat at the table together. We talked and laughed for quite a while.
He came into the kitchen three separate times but never sat down with us.
The first time he told me not to make him a plate—he would do it himself.
He never did.
We stayed at the table, enjoying the quiet moment together.
Eventually, I left the food on the stove. Later, he came down and ate alone.
After a period of time, the children and I returned to my room, where we spent the rest of the evening watching television, working on our laptops, laughing, and simply being together.
A Small Comfort
That night, as I fell asleep, one thought gave me comfort.
The children had instincts.
They sensed things adults sometimes pretend not to see. And that intuition—especially in an unpredictable household—is a powerful thing.
I realized then that their ability to read the room, to feel when something wasn’t right, might one day help protect them.
And that, at least, was something good.
Reflections: Looking Back
Looking back now, a few things about that day stand out clearly:
- Sudden mood shifts often set the emotional tone for the entire household.
- When behavior becomes chaotic or unpredictable, creating distance can sometimes be the safest response.
- Children often sense tension and instability long before adults acknowledge it.
The “Family Meeting” That Wasn’t a Family
Yesterday, Blend announced that we needed to have a family meeting.
As I sit here writing this, it occurs to me how strange that sounds. The truth is, by that point, there really wasn’t much of a family functioning in that house. That became painfully clear during the conversation that followed.
First, I should explain the name “Blend.” It is not his real name. I chose it intentionally because the irony is that Blend never blended with anyone. Water mixes with water more easily than he ever mixed with people. Over the years, he developed a pattern of isolating himself from the rest of us. In reality, he often seemed uncomfortable being around anyone at all.
The pattern didn’t appear overnight. It slowly developed over many years.
One moment that made it impossible to ignore happened about twelve or thirteen years earlier. We were hosting a family dinner at our own home. His mother, grandmother, and another relative were visiting from the East Coast, along with close friends and family who lived nearby. Blend arrived more than six hours late. It was embarrassing, but more than that—it was revealing.
Over time, it became increasingly obvious that he was deeply uncomfortable in group settings, even among family. He often believed people were talking about him, ignoring him on purpose, or judging him. The paranoia that accompanied his bipolar behavior made normal interactions feel like personal attacks.
Eventually, he moved himself upstairs into a bedroom that functioned almost like a separate apartment from the rest of the house. He spent most of his time there. He took phone calls there. He texted from there. He ate meals there. He rented movies and watched them alone. He rarely participated in the daily life of the house. Cleaning or helping around the house was not something he involved himself in, except occasionally taking out the kitchen trash or mowing the lawn. That upstairs room became his world.
The Tattoo and the “Family Meeting”
The situation that triggered the family meeting began with something fairly simple.
One of the children had recently turned eighteen and decided she wanted a small tattoo on her foot in memory of her brother, who had passed away. She came to me first, and we talked about it. At eighteen, there was nothing I could legally do to stop her, so instead I chose to help guide the decision—making sure the design remained small, dignified, and meaningful. She knocked on her father’s door to tell him we were leaving, but it was locked, and he didn’t answer. So we left.
The children and I spent the morning looking for a reputable tattoo studio, working on the script design, and preparing for the appointment.
The next morning, while we were getting ready to leave for the appointment, Blend asked what we were doing. I told him the truth. I generally don’t lie. Interestingly, he didn’t react strongly to the tattoo itself. What upset him was something else entirely: he was angry that he had not been included.
When I asked if he wanted to come along, his response was immediate. “Why? It wasn’t planned for me to go in the first place.” Then he began pacing through the house, mumbling to himself.
My response was simple. “This behavior is exactly why you weren’t invited.” Moments later, he appeared in our rooms again and announced that, before we left, he wanted a family meeting.
What the “Family Meeting” Revealed
The children are kind-hearted people, and they never intentionally try to hurt someone’s feelings. But when they feel cornered, they are also capable of being honest.
Blend began the meeting with an apology. He said he was sorry for the way the family had turned out and for the tension between their mother and him. Then he quickly shifted the focus. He said he felt like an outsider in his own house. That he was never included in decisions. That no one consulted him about anything.
The children responded honestly. They pointed out that he spent most of his time upstairs avoiding everyone. That he kept his door locked and often didn’t answer when they knocked. They explained that they refused to text or call their own parent when they were in the same house with them. This was a habit of his—sending texts to us from upstairs while we were downstairs. It was frustrating and strange.
After listening to them, he threw up his hands and said, “Well, now you know how I feel. Let’s see if things change.” I asked him what that meant. Did he expect us to change? Him to change? Or everyone? I honestly don’t remember his answer.
But his expectation was always the same. He wanted to be pursued, reassured, and included. He wanted us to make the effort to bring him into the family. Yet the reality was that he continued isolating himself upstairs for most of the rest of that day.
The Pattern That Never Changed
Later that afternoon, he came downstairs and asked the children if they had seen a particular movie. I already knew he had rented several movies over the previous two days. I had seen the debit charges. He had watched them all alone upstairs and returned them without ever offering for anyone else in the house to watch them. When I asked what movies he had rented, his only reply was that he had already returned them.
Eventually, the children and I sat down together to watch television. A little while later, he came downstairs and asked if we wanted to watch a movie he had. So we did. The moment it ended, he went right back upstairs.
Looking Back
As I read this story now, it almost sounds petty. In isolation, it probably is. But when behavior like this happens every single day, it becomes exhausting.
Blend had very few lasting relationships in his life. His mother, one brother, and a distant friend were about the extent of it. Over the years, he alienated nearly everyone else. Sometimes the alienation happened through visible behavior. Other times it happened quietly—he would simply cut people off without explanation. Neighbors, coworkers, extended family, and friends often drifted away after experiencing his hostility or suspicion. Meanwhile, he constantly complained about feeling rejected.
For twenty-five years, I listened to the same pattern of complaints: about coworkers, family members, neighbors, people from his hometown, parents at the children’s school, and nearly anyone else who crossed his path. According to him, “they” were always the problem. Living with that level of negativity and emotional need is exhausting. Eventually, it drains everyone around it. And as I sit here finishing this entry, I can’t help but think back to the words he spoke during that meeting.
“Let’s see how things change.” So I suppose we did. Just not in the way he expected.
Sometimes, the moment an abusive partner finds someone new can feel less like betrayal and more like survival.
There was a moment during that time in my life when I experienced a reaction I never expected. Instead of feeling anger or jealousy about another woman, I felt something closer to relief.
Her name was Cher. From the way Blend spoke to her—and from the tone of their conversations—it was obvious she had the personality type he gravitated toward. She was nurturing. Encouraging. The kind of person who believed she could help someone change. People like that often believe they can heal the wounded parts of others.
I had spent years learning that Blend was not someone who wanted to change. He simply wanted someone who would listen, reassure him, and tell him he was misunderstood. From what I could tell, Cher was willing to do exactly that. Oddly enough, I felt hopeful. For the first time in a long time, I found myself thinking, “Maybe this is the way out.”
If his attention shifted toward someone else—someone willing to give him the emotional energy he constantly demanded—perhaps he would finally stop focusing his anger and control on me. It was a strange thing to pray for. But at that point in my life, peace had become more important than pride.
A Different Kind of Prayer
I remember thinking something I never imagined I would say. Maybe this woman will become the answer to my prayers. Not because I wanted harm to come to her, but because I desperately wanted him to leave me alone.
Living in that environment had already taken its toll. There had been arguments, escalating tension, and moments that had turned physical. I had even replaced the bolt lock on my bedroom door multiple times because he kept breaking it. By then, I had reached a point where I simply wanted distance. If someone else captured his attention, maybe the pressure on me would finally stop.
So in a way, I found myself quietly hoping she would continue talking with him. Continue encouraging him. Continue giving him the attention he wanted. Because maybe that meant he would stop directing his hostility toward me.
Reaching Out to Her
At one point, I asked Cher to call me. I didn’t expect her to. Women who become involved with married men are often afraid of the wife. The story they are told about her is rarely flattering. Men who lie and cheat tend to create a version of events that protects themselves. I assumed she had been given that same version of the story.
But eventually she did call. And when we spoke, she was exactly what I had expected: kind, gentle, and deeply nurturing. The kind of person who wanted to help people who were hurting. Blend loved that kind of attention. He liked conversations that centered around his feelings, his struggles, and people reassuring him that he was misunderstood. Someone like Cher could easily fill that role.
The Pattern I Had Already Seen
Even after hearing some of the things I had experienced with him, I suspected she would continue talking with him.
I mentioned that prediction to a friend at the time. And sure enough, the very next day, their conversations continued.
Looking back now, I understand why. People with nurturing personalities often believe they can be the exception. They believe that with enough patience, empathy, and encouragement, someone troubled will eventually change. Sometimes they are right. But sometimes they are simply stepping into a cycle someone else has already lived through.
What I Understand Now
At the time, my reaction might have sounded strange to an outsider. Relief instead of anger. Hope instead of jealousy. But when you have lived for years inside constant conflict, your priorities change. Peace becomes more valuable than pride. And sometimes the person who seems like a rival may actually feel like an unexpected doorway out of chaos.
Reflection
Looking back, that moment taught me something important. When someone constantly demands emotional attention but refuses to take responsibility for their behavior, they will eventually search for someone new who will provide that attention. And the person who steps into that role rarely understands the full story at first. By the time they do, the cycle has usually already begun. They have become the narcissist’s victim.
How Sex Addicts Manipulate
Certain patterns repeat themselves with men who use attention, flattery, and manipulation to feed their addiction.
Introduction
People who struggle with sex addiction often rely on patterns of manipulation, validation-seeking, and emotional control in their relationships. In some cases, these behaviors overlap with narcissistic personality traits, where attention and admiration from others become a powerful form of reinforcement.
The following story is a personal experience that helped me recognize several of those patterns. Looking back, the warning signs were clearer than they seemed at the time.
One thing I learned over time is that sex addicts rarely have scruples. It is also not uncommon for someone with narcissistic traits to struggle with sex addiction. The attention they receive from multiple partners reinforces their belief that they are desirable, admired, and important. For them, every new interaction becomes another form of validation.
Recently, I noticed something familiar happening again. Blend had started reaching out to women from his past—women who had already walked away once. He sent cheerful New Year messages to several of them, testing the waters to see who might respond. Some of those women were intelligent and accomplished.
One in particular stood out to me: Florence. She seemed educated and dignified, clearly someone capable of recognizing manipulation. I doubted she would respond. Another woman, however, had already begun engaging with him again. Her name was Cher. Cher appeared kind, young, and nurturing—the exact personality type that often attracts men like Blend. At first, she seemed willing to listen and encourage him. But before long, the familiar pattern began again. He started asking her for photos. Fortunately, something about the request made her uneasy. She told him it felt strange, and she was right to trust that instinct.
Watching the interaction unfold reminded me how predictable these patterns can be. Over the years, I learned that sex addicts often operate in very similar ways. The tactics may vary slightly, but the structure of manipulation is remarkably consistent.
Here are some of the behaviors I witnessed repeatedly.
Common Manipulation Patterns
1. Excessive Flattery
Pet names and compliments come quickly.
Words like “baby,” “sweetheart,” “cutie,” or “beautiful” appear early and often. The goal is to create emotional warmth and familiarity very quickly.
Many people enjoy compliments, and there is nothing wrong with that. But when praise becomes constant and exaggerated, it can be part of a manipulation strategy.
In reality, the addict often has little genuine respect for the women he pursues. The compliments are simply tools used to move the interaction toward his goal.
2. Personal Questions That Turn Sexual
A common early question is, “What are you wearing?”
It may sound harmless at first, but it is often used to slowly shift the conversation toward sexual territory. Once the boundary moves in that direction, the requests tend to escalate.
3. Creating a Nurturing Dynamic
Sex addicts often seek women who are naturally nurturing.
They enjoy being comforted, reassured, and emotionally supported. Conversations begin to revolve around their struggles, their frustrations, and their feelings. The woman becomes the emotional caretaker.
4. Constant Messaging and Attention
Someone with a stable life and responsibilities rarely spends the entire day sending messages. But a sex addict thrives on constant digital contact.
Texting, messaging, and chatting throughout the day provide a steady stream of attention and affirmation. At times, Blend would be messaging several women simultaneously, carefully avoiding using names so he could easily copy and paste similar responses between conversations.
Eventually, one woman would respond in the way he wanted—and the others would be ignored.
5. Requests for Photos
Requests for photos often begin innocently.
At first it might be a simple picture of a smile. Then perhaps something slightly more revealing. Over time, the requests become more explicit. The goal is gradual escalation. For the addict, the excitement lies in the pursuit and the control. The more someone complies, the more the requests intensify.
If a request ever makes you uncomfortable, that feeling is worth listening to.
6. Casual Use of the Word “Love”
The word love comes easily in these conversations. But it is rarely used with sincerity. Instead, it becomes another tool for creating emotional attachment quickly. For someone who truly values the word, hearing it used so lightly can eventually feel hollow.
7. “You’re the Only One I Can Talk To”
Another common line is some version of:
• “I’ve never told anyone this before.”
• “I feel so comfortable with you.”
• “I can talk to you about things I can’t share with anyone else.”
In reality, the same lines may be repeated with multiple women. The goal is to create the illusion of a special, unique bond.
8. Distorted Stories About Their Life
Sex addicts often reshape the truth about their circumstances. Stories about their marriage, their finances, their work, or their personal struggles are adjusted to create sympathy or admiration. They tell people what they believe those people want to hear.
9. The Pattern Is Not Unique
Blend may not have had the fame or wealth of public figures like Tiger Woods, Jesse James, or Anthony Weiner, but the behavior pattern is remarkably similar. Sex addiction does not discriminate based on status or success. The common thread is deception, impulsive behavior, and a constant search for validation.
Looking Toward Freedom
As the new year approached, I realized something important. My youngest child would soon be leaving for college. For the first time in decades, I could finally see the possibility of complete separation from the chaos that had dominated so much of my life. The thought brought an overwhelming sense of relief. I knew that once that chapter closed, I would never again need to see him or hear his voice. And that realization felt like the beginning of freedom.
A Message to Other Victims
If you ever encounter someone displaying these patterns, trust your instincts. Manipulation often begins subtly, disguised as charm or attention. But the moment something begins to feel uncomfortable or unsettling, pay attention to that feeling. Many good men and women in the world do not rely on deception, addiction, or manipulation. Value yourself enough to walk away from those who do.
Sometimes the strongest response is simply to leave—and never look back
Note About Narcissism and Sex Addiction
Many experts who study relationship dynamics have observed that sex addiction can sometimes overlap with narcissistic personality traits. Individuals with strong narcissistic tendencies often seek constant validation, admiration, and attention. For some, sexual attention becomes one of the quickest ways to reinforce their sense of importance or desirability.
Not every person struggling with sex addiction is a narcissist, and not every narcissistic individual develops a sex addiction. However, the two patterns can intersect because both involve a powerful need for affirmation and external validation.
Understanding these patterns can help people recognize manipulation tactics earlier and protect themselves from becoming emotionally entangled in unhealthy dynamics.
Reflection
Occasionally, the most revealing clues in a relationship are not dramatic discoveries, but small patterns that slowly stop making sense.
Hidden money, unexplained accounts, or resources that quietly disappear often point to something deeper than poor financial communication. Often, the truth lies in the secrecy itself.
When someone is determined to live a double life, the effort required to maintain that secrecy can be as telling as the behavior it supports.
Recognizing those patterns can be uncomfortable, but awareness is often the first step toward understanding what is really happening—and deciding what you are willing to accept in your own life.
With awareness and strength,
Liza Seamone
Recovering Survivor / Author
Sometimes the beginning of a new year doesn’t bring change for everyone—but it can bring clarity.
When the New Year Doesn’t Bring Change
It was the second day of the New Year, and Blend was as miserable as ever. He had bought a bottle of champagne to bring in the new year. At first, we assumed it was meant for a family toast. Instead, he drank it himself. The following day offered another small example of the same pattern. The children made a simple salad for lunch, and he later complained about being left out of it. No one had even seen him that morning. He had spent the entire time upstairs, in the bedroom he had effectively turned into his own private world.
Over the years, he had withdrawn from the rest of the house so completely that when he did appear, everyone felt uncomfortable—including him. After nearly a decade of living separately under the same roof, his presence felt as awkward to us as our presence seemed to feel to him. It was a strange situation. Sometimes I even found myself feeling sorry for him. But those moments never lasted long. Eventually, another outburst, complaint, or accusation would appear, reminding me why this pattern had developed in the first place. There is a reason some people eventually find themselves alone.
When Misery Searches for Company
While thinking about his constant unhappiness, a familiar phrase suddenly came to mind. Misery loves company.
The more I considered it, the more it explained his behavior. People who are deeply unhappy often search constantly for attention, sympathy, or emotional reinforcement. In Blend’s case, that search often took the form of pursuing numerous women simultaneously. Attention temporarily eased the emptiness he seemed to carry with him.
Unfortunately, it also meant other people were drawn into the chaos. Over the years, I often felt sorry for the women who became involved with him without understanding the larger picture.
A Year of Change
Despite the tension inside the house, the coming year was going to bring enormous change. For the children and me, those changes felt hopeful and exciting. Graduation was approaching. College was on the horizon. Plans were forming to return to the region where my roots were.
For Blend, however, the future looked far less certain. He had refused to continue the therapy that had once been required for his sex addiction. Without that effort, nothing had truly changed. The same patterns continued: constant searching for attention, impulsive behavior, and emotional volatility.
Years earlier, we had already tried to separate once before. That attempt had failed. But this time was different. This time, everyone was moving forward.
A Moment of Unexpected Honesty
Thinking about the new year reminded me of something someone once said to me many years earlier.
A close couple we knew from the Northeast had come to visit us during one of their trips through the Southwest. I was thrilled they had included us in their travel plans, even if it was only for a short visit. Blend, however, was irritated that they weren’t spending more time with us. Our friends had family in another state they hadn’t seen in years, and this was their first opportunity to explore the Southwest. To most people, their travel schedule made perfect sense. But Blend took it personally. I remember feeling embarrassed by his attitude during their visit.
When the time came for them to leave, Arthur—who had grown up in the same neighborhood as Blend—found a moment to speak with me privately. Arthur was a thoughtful, calm man. As he hugged me goodbye, he placed his hands gently on my shoulders and spoke quietly. “I don’t know how you live with him,” he said. “You deserve a medal. You deserve better.” It was not said jokingly. The concern in his voice made it clear he meant every word. That moment stayed with me for years.
The Beginning of Freedom
Looking back, the first day of that New Year felt different. Blend spent most of the day pacing through the house, mumbling to himself and slipping between moods, convinced that no one respected him. And perhaps in some ways he was right. Respect is difficult to maintain when someone consistently pushes people away. As the day unfolded, I realized something important. The countdown had begun.
Graduation was approaching. College was on the horizon. Life was about to move forward. For the first time in many years, the future felt like it might finally bring something that had been missing for a long time. Freedom. And that realization made the coming year feel like a beginning after all.
Reflection
Living with chronic negativity can slowly reshape an entire household. Over time, people begin protecting their peace by creating emotional distance. The moment that distance turns into clarity can feel both sad and liberating. Sometimes the new beginning is not a sudden event. Sometimes it is simply the moment you finally realize you are ready to move forward.
Where did I go? 