Guilt or No Guilt
Recently Blend contacted me to remove my blog — this one, under a previous name. I have always sworn to myself, my friends and my God I would never pull it down. So I simply renamed it. Often things happen for a reason. This new title is actually more likely to be found, with the right search words, for the problem you are having.
Blend could not handle reading about himself, what he did to me, and what he did to destroy a family. His family, my family = our children.
He sent multiple emails, texts and cried, telling stories of how my blog is a twisted truth. He’s right, it is — twisted that is. He is twisted and the poor soul will never be straightened out until he gets the help he needs.
Rarely do I think of Blend any more. He is a part of my past I do not have cherished memories of. He’s developed a part of me that will forever remain different. It’s not a good part, and I stay as clear from it as I possibly can. It’s important to me that I don’t let my experiences with him hurt others or their relationship with me. I can’t fathom the thought that he would linger that way, in my life. I prefer to always consider him far gone.
When he makes contacts and sends me and friends messages about me, in an effort trying to hurt me — that’s when I do think of him. He must have such a huge sense of guilt, he can not let go. It must be horrible to think that for at least 18 years you had a problem that spouse and friends tried to get him to accept getting help and he refused. A mother who harbored his illness and sometimes even fed it, and a closet so dark that not even he can see beyond it. I visualize him still sitting at his computer on a regular basis. Seeking women of all shape, size and yes…unfortunately ages. Quickly developing an online relationship with them and masturbating to their words and photos nightly. When I was away, the hours he spent on chat calls, long distance calls to women as desperate as he, and eventually meetings with like women or unsuspecting women who have no idea — he’s only in it for the thrill of the chase.
But then I realize, there is no more thrill for him. There is no longer an innocent wife in the background, with opportunity to “catch: him at what he is doing. No heart pounding, adrenaline rushes at my expense. So what is he doing now? I suspect he is searching for another faithful victim like myself. An innocent who will not learn until years later that he has a pattern. God help those who continue to fall his victim, whether it’s the one in the foreground or hidden somewhere in his car door, his wallet, his phone, his computer, his memory . . . you too will find him guilty.
No Password Needed
On October 18, 2012, I received an email from my X, upset over my blog. His message threatened to send the four people he loves most to view it. His mother, two daughters and I have no idea who the fourth is. I am sure what Blend wanted was for me to pull the site down altogether, but thankfully I made a different choice and put passwords on the articles and took time to think.
If directing his children, or anyone else, is what he deems necessary than that is his choice — But, I will NEVER take this site down. This site is not about him. Another trait of a sex addict — it’s always all about them. Such as: The two people over in the corner whispering…it’s about him, or When entering the parent meeting if the other Dads don’t speak to him, they don’t like him. — Never a thought for that Dad could be having an off day…and what ever happened to you speaking first — doubtful just because the couple whispering, looked up that they were looking at or talking about you.
Someday our daughters will be fully aware of the liar and cheater for who Blend is. This site or anything I could say will not make a difference. He started laying out that lesson years ago. They are smart young lady’s and figure it out over time. He does and acts out enough — they are well aware of who and what he is. That will never take away form the fact he is their Dad. I would not expect nor wish for them to turn their backs on him for his illness. As I repeat this many times — Sex Addiction is an illness. Those afflicted with it should be looked upon as any other addict. With sorrow, understanding it’s an illness and compassion for the lack of dignity and strength a sex addict has. They can not help him, I could not help him, no one can help him. An addict will never recover until they admit, face and take action to recovery. Things Blend has never been able to do.
As far as his mother reading this — she should. Even then, the apple does not fall far form the tree. He is like her. She has aided and abedded his illness for many years. When I went to her with his illness, she chose to turn her back on me. In essence, she turned her back on him as well. He will never stop what he does. He may alter the pattern, but until he gets professional help, he will continue.
And Mom — if your son, daughter, son-n-law or daughter-n-law has sent you here to read this blog because they are concerned about a family member. I implore you to read with great intent. Feel the words and understand and realize the pain. Help them to get the help for the individual they are concerned for….it can not be done alone — and it will not go away by miracle on it’s own.
Signals of Deceit
When your family is home and you are headed out on errands or whatever — if your household partner repeatedly suggests or practically forces you to take the others in the house with you….suspect something is up!!! And be aware they can often be gentle and only suggestive.
I can always tell when Blend wants to be home alone. This has historically been when he wants to get on the computer, phone and self gratify. Of course it’s not entirely self, it’s through photos, conversations, chats, etc.
This weekend on more than one occasion when I have errands to run or when headed out to do my neighborhood power walk he suggests I take the girls with me. Throughout the years this has been more obvious than others. Back before cell phones it was considerably more obvious and consistent.
I’ve always had a home office so therefore in the past years I had more than one telephone line coming into my office. One dedicated simply for faxing. Before the fax line I could leave the house go to a pay phone and call home and our line would always be busy. Blend otherwise rarely was on the phone. The calls would always be blocked or made on a calling card so there was no way I could figure, at that time, to see what the calls were (eventually I did figure a way). On phones that show the previous calls, he took care to delete them. These were in the days you paid extra to have a detailed phone bill, which in normal circumstances I had not thought to get.
At some point I spoke to one of the women he was calling and she told me the number he had given her to call him on. It was my fax line. He would unplug the fax machine, plug a phone in and for whatever reason (his strange reasoning of this is that he could not be detected) he would have the women call him. Once his mission was completed, and before I came home, he would switch everything back. I learned by this to check my fax line. It was always busy when I was gone. No need to ask him why when I returned, he would deny being on it.
It’s difficult to understand why cheaters go through all this when (such in our case) they simply need to agree to a divorce and they would be free to do it 24/7, freely and at will. But what you have to realize, this kind of cheater who goes to these extremes simply to “get off”, is a sick individual. They will NEVER leave you because YOU are the normal in their lives. YOU are what makes them feel like they are okay and leading a normal life.
The next time you say I am going to run errands…does your spouse say:
“Take Jane if you want company”
“John may want to go”
“Did you ask the kids if they want to go”
“You are taking the kids right”
“Well I am going to be busy, so take the kids”
“I have a headache (or not feeling well) take the kids with you”
or any degree of encouraging company,
STOP and think if this happens often. Start paying attention each time you want or try to leave alone.
This behavior is twofold:
1) they are up to something and need privacy
2) they don’t trust you out alone, because a cheater thinks you will cheat also, and a cheater wants to cheat, but is jealous, and does not want you to be given any opportunity to do what he does.
Where did I go? 